- Thursday, August 09, 2007

Being a housewife, is a fulltime job. And I mean, fulltime. All the time. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It's not like a normal 9-5 job where you can just leave ur work at 5 o'clock sharp and start to tidy ur desk and ready to come home. I know some of u work in shift or even have longer working hour but that's not the point here, not in this entry, I'm just trying to get the picture, ok? But when ur workplace is ur house, and ur staff or in my case my 'boss' is ur kid(s) and ur knowledge and ur skills must be multiple in different area- the kitchen, house chores, laundry, backyard, frontyard- I'm just so tired sometimes. And the most important things is, you can't leave ur work. How ironic. Not complaining or anything, I, don't know. Doing the house chores and cooking and tidying and cleaning is one thing, tackling my 1 year 4 months old baby girl in another major thing. Right now, she's just so handfull. I have to sweep and mopped the floor like, every 10 minutes. One second she's crashing the biscuit crumbs on the sofa, the next second she spilled her drink on the floor or the carpet, which usually the stain won't come out no matter how many times I tried to scrub them or wash them. The next thing she likes to play on the sofa and started to throw the cushion down on the floor. And then her toys, I don't how many times I picked up the toys only to have them back on the floor. I have tried to teach her pick up her toys after she has done playing but right now she's more interested in taking them out than putting them in the box :) And she enter the kitchen and open my cabinet, rummaged into my neatly stacked tupperwares, picked one or two that she likes and took them to the front and banged them on the floor or the aquarium or any surface she could find. She took my magazines and tore the pages, she dunk my reader's digest into her bowl of soup, she climbed the chair and started dancing on the table after she threw down everything on the table- mugs, tissue box.


The list was endless. She also loves to climb onto me whenever I lay down on my back so I always lay on my side if she's there to protect my stomach. The only time I have to rest is when she's asleep, and that's the time I used to take my bath, or surfing the net, or rearrange and tidying my cabinet, or just lay down to catch my breath. It's even clearly that she's more demanding now and since I'm the only person she's able to find, therefore I really have to fulfill her every needs. At night, as I lay myself down on the bed, I was suppose to sleep but I was too tired, I just lay still and enjoy the few minutes or at best, 1-2 hours before she stirrs and it's time to wake up and nurse her. It takes a while to adjust to the routine, for now I have stop breastfeed her so I have to make sure eveyrthing is ready to prepare for her milk or it's going to be a disaster.


I noticed since my pregnancy is coming to the 16th weeks I get tired easily, and if I do something that needs extra energy or if I pushed too hard, trying to pick up something heavy,I can feel a bit of pain especially at the part just below my stomach. I know it's not good, but what can I do, I'm the only one incharge of this house and if I don't take care of several things, no else will help me. I'll just have to take these things slowly or just leave it there until En lanun is back. And that's another a month and a half. And as I stated before, bukan nak merungut or anything, watching her grow every day infront of me, knowing she's going to be someone when she's older with my guidance, when she hugs me & kisses me fiercely and holds me like she never wanna let go, is really worth every minutes of it. This is just me, sharing my everyday experience with my life and my girl. And looking back, I have a lot more to learn and learn, to be a better mother to my kid(s), soon :)

- Sunday, August 05, 2007

I haven't heard from En lanun for 2 days now, and it started to make me worried sick. He can't contact me because his account has been frozen since last week because the bill's almost rm600 and the minimum payment to open the line back is rm300 something. I wanna use the credit card but the payment centre at Manjung only receive cash. So he can't contact or sms me or even receive calls and sms. We usually talk to each other via YM or skype, but until today I haven't heard a word from him. Don't even reply my emails. I just prayed that nothing bad happened to him, maybe he's just too busy or going for a site visit where he can't use the computer or something like that. Right now it's 8.30 am Sunday over there, maybe he's still in bed sleeping, maybe I was being worried for nothing. I hope so. Don't wanna think the other way, or any other way.

- Saturday, August 04, 2007

Couldn't sleep for 2 nights in a row. I don't know why, the first night I think it's because I had gas, I kept tossing left & right feeling uneasiness in my stomach. I rubbed some ointment to my legs, my stomach, my back, and massaged them to ease the wind, but to no avail. And I kept thinking that maybe, if en lanun were there with me, maybe I'll feel better though maybe he can't do anything much but the mere presence of him definitely makes me feel everything is better, easier & less painful. So I cried, like I wanna let go of everything that congested in my head, my mind, my heart. Finally at 4 am I lost the time, maybe I have fell into sleep at that time and when the phone rang at 6.15 am I woke up instantly and the pain in my head was undescribeable. I tried to stand slowly and performed Subuh prayer and groggily fell back onto my bed. Luckily Balqis still sleeping at that time. The 2nd night was just the same, but this time I felt the urged to pee all the time, even if I've just went for 2 minutes. I think it was the first sign that showed my sugar level is high, just like during my first pregnancy. So I went to the toilet and the moment I went back to my bed, I felt the urge again. And again. I think I have to see a doctor soon about this.
I hope time passes quickly, for I didn't how long I can take this anymore. One of my friend advised me to go back to Melaka because with my condition, it's better if my family are around me to take care of me if anything happen. But I've already told her why I don't want to do that and I hope she understand.
Have I told you I've formatted this laptop? Now I can surf the net & do my things with so much ease, I don't ever think I wanna parted with it. But of coz I have to wait until Balqis sleep because whenever she sees me with my laptop, the first thing she will do is point at the on/off button and pling! The laptop went off and all my works lost in the space :)

- Saturday, July 28, 2007




I couldn't believe my eyes my I noticed something not quite right with one of my fishes, oscar. Sure enough, when i got a closer look I found out it was trying to swallow another fish- the shark! gosh, the poor shark fish was half way into the oscar's mouth, who had some difficulties to swallow it because the shark was quite big. I was afraid it's going to choke to death because from the time I first noticed that was at 7 pm and until the time I went to the bus station to send my mother, it's still there. Luckily when I came back oscar was done, because I've thought I might pull the shark out incase it still stuck in oscar's mouth.

look at this pictures from side. can you see the shark's tail coming out from its mouth?front view
Another picture


- Wednesday, July 25, 2007

this past week had been so hard for me. Balqis' fever and coughing got so bad, until I had to take her to the hospital @ 3.30 am because she's burning and I just so afraid something might happen to her if I should wait until morning. The medical assistant inserted the pill into her bottom and told me to come again at 9 am to check on her condition. She's still hot that morning and when I arrived they took some blood from her hand. Pity her, I had to hold her because she cried and trying to wiggle herself because of the pain. After one hour the result came in and the doctor said there's nothing wrong with her, which means no infection or dengue or something like that so he told me to take her home, give a lot of water and continue the medicine they prescribed. Alhamdulillah... I've already packed a few of her things just in case she had to be hospitalized. I myself was not very well until today with running nose and constant headache. My mom came all the way from Melaka because she's worried about our condition and me especially with my pregnancy.


Today she's getting better, the temperature had reduced but the coughing is still there. But I was more concern about her appetite because she hardly eat at all, no matter what I cooked for her. Before this she ate whatever I served her, and I suspected this might have someting to do with her gum. I think, her teeth are showing therefore the gum must be tender to allow the tooth to grow. And you know how painful that is. I just hope I can make it all easier and less painful for her.. right now she just got her nutrition from the formula milk, and that's the best she can do. I know it's not enough because her body already 'shrinking' and all my neighbour said she's too skinny now compared to her previous shape.


I just hope this will past quickly and she'll regain her self back because seeing her right now so hopelessly and weak, I just can't stand it like I can do nothing to help her. Cepatlah sembuh syg....sian mak tgk akish gitu...




just lying on the mattress..

trying to get rid of the bandage

- Friday, July 20, 2007

Nowadays everything I eat will leave bad taste in my mouth-fish, chicken, squids, prawns, everything. I also have to be careful not to put too much of toothpaste when I brush my teeth or I'll go uwekk, uwekk and it's not very comfortable feeling. I guess it's coming to me, especially when I'm almost 12 weeks because I remembered when I was first pregnant with Balqis the nausea and uneasiness started just when I entered the 12th week and it continued almost 2 months. It went too bad until I couldn't drive to and back from work, I got dizzy everytime I enter the lift ( my office situated at the 11th floor, so you can imagine whenever I got out of the lift I'll go straight to the toilet to puke. I spent most of the time in the surau, my other 2 colleagues complained that they had to replaced me so many times when the user called for our help. And finally I quit. I guess it's not the smartest decision but it seems right at that time, En lanun too worried about me and asked me to move to Perak with him. That's how I got here, in the first place. But I guess if I didn't quit at that time I'll just have to do the same thing sooner or later, because just 9 months later our house was ready with the CF and everything. Plus I heard the company that bought our software had recently stop from using the software and our service is no longer needed there. I asked my x-colleague about it but he just answered it's all about politics and he just followed what my x-boss said to him. Pity him, now he's assigned to Kolej Islam at Kuala Sg Udang, that place was too far away ( I knew because i've been there before, working on their website and attending meetings with my x- boss ) but at least he still has a job.
I took Balqis to her 2nd last appointment last Wednesday and was suprised to find out that she had lost 700 gms from her last visit to the clinic. Now she weighted merely 8.9 kg. I noticed that lately she always wanted to eat by herself but the problem is, more food fell off to the floor than into her mouth and she refused to let me feed her. I also didn't make as much milk as I used to, that could be the other factor. But right now she has adjusted her tastebud :) and allow me to fed her with other spoon, and she still want to hold her own spoon. She also seems very much like the formula milk I bought for her. Now it's been more than 1 week she stop breastfeeding and so far she took the formula milk very well. Alhamdulillah.. Now I can have a much longer sleeping time, I have enough sleep and rest but it all might change soon, who knows. Kids. Just look at this picture below trying to wear my heel and walked around the house like she's so used to it.



- Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Today was a long journey for me, Balqis and definitely En Lanun. I woke up at 1.30 am and went straight to the kitchen to prepare something to eat in the car on our way. Balqis heard me fussing around in the kitchen and woke up so I just took her and after finished with the food I bathed her and after that had a shower myself. I put on nice clothes on her. Pity her, still looked a bit sleepy. After that I gently hold En lanun's hand and whispered that we had to prepare now because the driver will come soon to pick us up. He got up, took his bath and had double checked all his luggages, his passport and visa and everything are all packed up.


The driver arrived at 3.oo am sharp, as promised. The journey was smooth, Balqis slept almost through all the way until we arrived at KLIA at 6.08 am. We looked for the check in counter and the process took almost 45 minutes despite there weren't so many people at that time. So while waiting I went to the surau with Balqis and performed solat Subuh. After he finished he went to the surau and after that we all went to McD for breakfast. I preferred to eat nasi lemak but he said it costs more here so McD is a good alternatif. Not long after that his sister Kak Ros arrived with my in-law parents. We had breakfast, chatted a lot and although I was sitting next to him the whole time I felt already he's so far away and I thought I could never get enough of him. Since he talked alot with his sister & his parents I just sat there quietly watching him eating, his face, his hands, his ears, everything. The emotion inside was really, tumbling upside down but i tried to keep myself calm right until the moment he inside the boarding area. He kissed me on my forehead, kissed Balqis all over. She seemed alright, still have no idea of what was happening around her. We all waved at him while he went down the escalator. I almost cried... and then I just lost him in the crowd. Just my love and prayers for his safety and wellbeing all through his journey and during the course. It's going to be tough for him since this is his first time going to oversea to a country so stranger to him but I know he can do it; he always did no matter where he go whatever he do, he always do his best.
After that K ros sent my parents in law to Pudu to take a bus back to Melaka. I tried to contact the ZL driver but hi didn't pick up so I just sent a msg saying I'm done here and asked him when can he come and pick me up. I went to the special room for nappy changes ( Balqis has pooed ) and after that I breastfed her until she fell asleep. Lenguh jugak memangku dia, 10kg++ tau :) anyway at 9.15 the driver called me and said he's on the way to pick me but the traffic from Ampang to KLIA is quite heavy so it might took him 1 hour++ to get there. I said it's ok I'll wait for him. At least Balqis had one hour sleep, that will keep her quiet and not bugging me so much. The driver arrived at 10.30 am, we went straight home to Manjung. I felt a bit tired and hungry since Balqis breastfed all the way through the journey and everytime I tried to disengaged from her she cried and refused to do so. I changed her diaper again, performed Zohor prayer and tried to sleep but of course it's impossible when Balqis was not sleeping too so I laid her down or her matress, breastfed her (again) and soon she fell asleep, so did I. After one hour or so I woke up, took a bath, performed Asar prayer and started cooking something for dinner. Soon Balqis stirred and cried, I took her up but suprised to felt how hot she was. I tried to put her into the cradle and she slept again. Pity her.. must because she was so tired riding back and forth in the car. That night was a disaster, as expected. I hadn't sleep at all since she cried maybe feeling uneasy with her hot body. I had given her medicine and wet her hair with air asam jawa hoping she'll get better in the morning.
I thought I was ok, but I was wrong. The moment I stepped into the house, it suddenly hit me that my dearest husband is not here, on his way so far away from me and Balqis. The house suddenly felt too huge for the two of us. I tried not to cry, he'll come home soon but it didn't worked out. It didn't ease my mind. If I'm writing this on a piece of paper, you might not be able to read what I've been writing now. The tears must have smudged all the ink and everything would be blurred. Just like the way I felt inside. Maybe it just my hormon. He would be devastated if he knew I behaved like this. Bini askar dgn anak askar mesti kuat, he said :) I will, hon. I will.
Today Balqis is much better. I tried to stop Balqis from breastfeeding, as my mother urges me cause it's not good for me and the baby. So I tried. She woke up at 2.00 pm and I fed her with rice, omelette and veggy soup but she only ate 3-4 spoon. After that she started to poke me and wanted to breastfeed. I said no, I gave her eveyrthing- milk, milo, apple, but she refused all that and cried and cried. I tried to persuade her, hold her up, singing lullaby but she kept on crying. Finally after 1 hour 45 minutes she stopped as I fried some keropok lekor and she ate 3-4 slices. And then I made her watched tv, gave her a lot of water, so far so good. Later that evening I bathed her and took her out to play with my next door neighbour's kids. When we came back into the house I fed her again with rice and the veggie soup and she ate about 10 spoons. Then I quickly performed my prayer, cited Yassin and I noticed she's getting more quiet and her eyes getting red. Then I took my dinner and while I ate she laid down onto her matress and soon I found she's already fell asleep. Alhamdulillah... This is the longest time she hasn't breastfeed. We'll see how she's doing tonight. Hope she'll understand that this is the only way for me to stop her. I've read all about how to stop breastfeeding and all answers pointed out one thing: Let her cry. So that's what I'll do. Prayed so Allah will make me more patient about all this, insya Allah...

- Monday, July 02, 2007

This new laptop is soooo slow, it's really killing me. En lanun said maybe its need to be formatted but reformatting a laptop is not as easy as with pc, so I heard. Anyway beggers can't be choosers so I just have to be more patient.
We just got back from kg yesterday. At first En lanun said maybe we don't have to go back this month but considering he's going away for 3 months so it's better to go back and meet his parents as well as mine. They all said I should stay back but thanks, no thanks. I'm more comfortable living in my own house even if it's only me and Balqis.
I had some difficulty to sign in to Yahoo mail and messenger, I don't know why. I thought it's only me but when I tried to login with En lanun's id the samething happened, wrong id or the password's not match. Maybe I'll try later.

- Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Haven't write in here for quite a long time. We have 2 laptops, one is En lanun's and the other is, well, his, but he got it from his office and seldom use it so I took charge of it. unfotch lately it has some problem with the screen, always gone blank and I couldn't see anything. So I have to share the other laptop with En lanun, I have to wait for him to come back from work if I wanna use it but usually by that time I will be engaged with other things and by the time I have spare time, it's usually my bedtime. That's why I kept postponing my post here, among other things.
Next month En lanun will attend a 3-months course at US. Guess I have to face the early phase of my pregnancy on my own. It's not so bad actually, but my most concerns right now is how to stop breastfeeding Balqis because it's not advisable for pregnant woman to breastfeed during her pregnancy. It's still early but if I don't start now I'm going to be in big trouble the next couple of months. I've tried give her 3 brands of milk but to no avail. I think the content of milk that I produced right now is not as much as before, partly because I don't feel 'fun' anymore whenever I fed her. can't blame her, she's so used to this routine for almost 15 months so to expect her to change and accept the new routine as fast as 2-3 days is quite impossible. I'll try some other methods, and hopefully she'll be able to understand that I'm just doing the best for her and my baby I carry inside of me.
A hearty congrats wishes from me to my friend Iera, take good care of urself anf ur baby. It's still in early stages, very important to screen ur foods. I think our due date is not that far. Maybe you can visit me at the hospital before you discharge from the hosp! :)

- Tuesday, June 05, 2007

Finally, I'm home. Really, really home. Even when nobody could help me accompanying me & Balqis and help with the heavy luggages, even after I had to dragged the bags with this laptop on my back and Balqis on the other hand, I still felt relieved when I arrived infront of my house. Alhamdulillah...that's all I could say. After performing Subuh prayer ( it's already 6.20 am when I arrived ) I tried to sleep since I didn't have any sleep on the bus because Balqis was frequently awake with her little cries, must because of her upset stomach ( she hasn't poo for 6 days ) so I had to pick her up and breastfed her. I bought 2 seats, because she's grown up a lot and that way I can put her on the other seat without fussing so much with someone else. Plus I could put her after she's asleep ( I had a small pillow for her ). But sleep is impossible when you have little kid like Balqis. After trying for about an hour and when I almost closed my eyes, that's when she started to stirr up and opened her big, round shiny eyes looking at me. And I could almost hear her saying I'm hungry mummy, what we have for breakfast?. So I have to woke up, prepared her dish, bathed her, put nice clean clothes and play a little. My head was pounding like crazy, I didn't know what to do. All I want is to lay down and have a good rest and sleep. Impossible, as usual. The house is a mess, I hadn't unpack my bags, eveything just added a tonne to my head.
But that's yesterday. Today I feel better, no more headache, I've cleaned my house, the kitchen, restored my clothes & Balqis' neatly into our closet. So it's time to check on the internet and I saw that still no result of my job applications.
And I just found out that I'm pregnant. Don't know if that's good news or, I mean, of course it's good news, right? It's just that, I'm not expecting this right now. Haven't told En lanun yet. I thought I'm going to tell him in person. Can't wait for him to come home on 14th. Wish me the best, ya?

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